finally have come to terms about some shit i can't change. doesn't make me like it any less. but one thing irks me.
i rarely get to spend time alone with one person. it's starting to make it hard for me to connect with them more and more despite their attempts to change that. the inside jokes are getting intolerable. i know, i know, you've offered to let me in on them but i keep refusing. why? because i can't stand half the shit in the first place. and the "because you're duuuuuumb" line is starting to kill me inside. to you it's a joke. to me it's a reminder of everything i was told for most of my life. and the noise on their end is giving me migraines. i can't take it anymore.
THAT WAS THE LAST FUCKING GROUP CALL.
my health is failing bit by bit, the headaches and nausea are making it impossible for me to remain where i am. something has to change.
that something is me.
so, this is it. this is the last time. i can't watch myself fall to pieces, deteriorate farther, watch the restrictions of my current system fall to waste. i'm killing myself at this point, killing myself trying to figure out what to do to stop from melting away. the stress, the headaches, the mild depression-it doesn't help. if anything it makes it more obvious to me that, all along, i was falling apart. falling apart by hanging on to what i was doing, by neglecting to realize the headaches and nausea were something more serious. failing to realize that, by controlling my sugar intake and reducing it to nearly 0, i was creating an imbalance that is actually killing me. it's not that the practice was a bad idea-it's that we think i may not be able to regulate my blood sugar, and that my diet is actually making me sick.
i'm ending this, all of it. i can't afford to waste time. i can't afford to do what i wanted... it's likely that unless they can figure out why my weight keeps dropping, with no explanation, that i will be gone.
i can't stay. i am sorry. but goodbye, da. goodbye, fa. goodbye, hl and howrse and unic. and goodbye everyone else. i'm off to become a recluse with my cats and writing and ichc.
someone, please just understand. anyone?
